Nasty Orange Monster are you 5 years old?

Oh Lord. Watching the debate last night between Trump and Biden was... surreal. Aaron and I couldn't believe what we were watching. How is this the world we live in? How can a person that literally acts like a 5-year-old be PRESIDENT of this country? How can people watch that and then DEFEND HIS BEHAVIOR so that their party will stay in power? That is the absolute most saddening part to me, I think. The lengths to which people go these days to stay in power. To enact laws based on what they claim to be Christian values but that are in fact just the most capitalist bullshit and upkeep of patriarchal structures. Argh!! Like, I don't want to have to keep writing political songs all the time but it's just so deeply upsetting!

Aaron had a dream last night in which Trump's hair got incredibly messed up. I thought that was very fitting.

Chaos Reigns

On some days, it feels like the world might be ending here in the US. Every single day something even more messed up than the day before seems to happen/have happened. Raising questions in regards to the future of democracy. Where is human decency? So many people in this country seem to have gotten completely, utterly lost, and I don't mean to say that in a condescending way, I just honestly think it's deeply sad. You can have different opinions, but -- human decency! Accepting everybody's equal value and rights and acknowledging systematic issues or something as basic as not being a complete fucking asshole? It is mind boggling. So much hatred there must be, so much hurt. There is such a need for healing.

I was thinking about that the other day - say Nasty Orange Monster loses the election (whether or not he'll pull some crazy stunt before than is another story), and Biden becomes the next president. What will happen to all the fanatic followers of the Trump movement, the conspiracy theorists, the people who found community within that group, people who have been overlooked for a long time and in desperation have come together in a way that enables complete madness and hatred? They won't go anywhere! They'll still be out there, in our very large country. What will happen when all of that hateful behavior has been enabled (the power of people in groups....) but the people in charge no longer represent that? Can they "snap out of it"? CAN THERE BE HEALING? (my hope is yes but it will be challenging). Or will there be a civil war? Honestly I'm not sure.

I've been thinking a lot about those people lately. The problem isn't just "Trump is a crazy motherfucker who used the weaknesses of "his" people in order to try to give himself authoritarian power" -- even though that certainly is true as well. These are people who also want to feel love, a sense of belonging, feeling respected and cared for. The political system here just doesn't support that.

I just really hope there will be some sort of redemption for these people. I am a sucker for redemption arcs after all.

There's obviously also the other problem of our current times on the internet, where we only see the people who have the same opinions as we do when we're on social media, and news are called out as "fake" left and right. We're not even discussing the same reality anymore (WHAT IS REALITY? LOOK OUTSIDE! And yet this country is so goddamn LARGE that not even that does the trick). And it's so unfortunate when, just like in Sweden or Europe in general, it is possible to feed that sense of dissatisfaction to the degree where political parties representing values that plainly just lack human decency are able to rise to power.

I don't know what picture to post that would represent these feelings. Here's a picture of some trees I saw the other day when I was hiking.

How to be a Serious Composer 101

Realizing I'm still getting back into the now not-so-existing habit of blogging. The main thing I think is that I think too hard about what I should write, and then too many days pass, and then it feels like too much pressure to actually write something, and then I feel like BLUGHUBLGUHGLBUHU (that's the sound when you shake your head quickly back and forth with your cheeks fully relaxed and you make a sound of cleanse). Also, the least fun thing to read about: whining about the process of trying to have a blog. SNAP OUT OF IT ANNA GODDAMMIT. Ok I'm done now.

I'm still too ashamed/curious/intrigued by this endeavor also to have shared it on any other channels so so far you my special chosen people (or people who came here by accident and now they're wondering how to leave) are the only ones to know that there even is a blog. So really there should be no pressure, right?

Ok ok yes I'm getting to it. OH BUT ACTUALLY!

I received a nice but also funny comment on YouTube the other day! It was on the snippet I uploaded from Mvt II so I could show a highlight on the home page here without forcing people to watch a 40 minute video.

In response: first of all, thank you! And, you're hitting an excellent question! WHY am I not more famous right now?? I ask myself the same thing every morning, as I wake up in full princess outfit (only a half joke, as Aaron knows). FINALLY somebody else pointing this out as well!! But no, all jokes aside. It actually can be a thing sometimes I guess, when you feel like you have some sort of gift but you're in a time when you're sort of sitting on it on your own. But the fabulous part of this is that I used to feel kind of frustrated about this. All the time since I graduated with my GAC I've felt a slight frustration, trying to figure out the system, is it really just the "hustle", how do you get doors to open, and so forth and so forth. And then obviously, in my case, the issue of way too much teaching at one point leaving me completely burnt out (also emotionally because of life circumstances at the same time) and in desperate need of doing something else and not stressing and hustling so much all the time. And in came the opportunity for my day job as a barista! Bam bara bam! And what a good thing it's been for me the past year. Just so nice to do something else and get some perspective and get to know people I otherwise wouldn't have met, and to serve others! So yes dear YouTube commenter, I have had another job as part of the way I'm spending my time. And the other half of my time I've felt a but uninspired but somehow forced to try and figure out how to get this career thing to work. It doesn't seem to be purely based on skill or talent, so then what is it, and then in the process of trying to find that out that also makes me a little bit sad and definitely uninspired because I truly hate that kind of work and don't want to spend my time trying to figure it out.

But, I think the barista job was crucial for me to find my way back to where I currently am also in general. Perspective, and an opportunity to tune into and recognize the deep desire within. I handed in my key on Sunday (after having drinks with one of my bosses, man I love them so much) and it made my transition official.

Now this is my full time office.

I know I said this in my last post but want to mention again. The act of getting up every morning, going to work, showing up for what I know is MY ASSIGNMENT and doing it every day, and then pack up my things say thank you for this day and walk home from work - it has been LIFE CHANGING. Taking it seriously has made a huge difference in me. I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And so many things are happening!! I have an insane, wonderful, miraculous flow right now. It fills me with such joy - every day I wake up and I'm just so excited to get to have another day of work.

And, to make an attempt to tie it back to the YouTube comment. I am making no effort right now to try and become Famous. And I know I shouldn't be, I just know. I feel fully certain that what I'm supposed to be doing right now is this - show up to my work, water the plant every day so it can grow. Write all the things I'm hearing. Follow the directions I'm getting. Practice and grow and develop and use all of my skills. And then not worry!

So that's what I'm doing with my time. I have a suspicion this is gonna go on now for a little while, this bubble of mine. And there might be opportunities coming ahead but I will wait for the right one, when the time is ready, when the work that needs to be done is ready. I'm so excited and grateful.